Wednesday, July 29, 2009

say cheese

People tell me I don't smile.
That's probably because I don't.
You see I don't multitask very well, and I choose thinking over smiling.
It would seem that my natural state of face is one which I would call intense concentration, but other people call angry frowning.
So, After the third or so comment last night I tried very hard to smile.
I really thought hard about looking happy (or at least pleasant) at each person who I made eye contact with.
I had a really hard time working . . . and walking . . . and doing anything else.
Now today, my face hurts.
It actually hurts.
I thought you used less muscles when you smiled.

I don't care what you people think.
I choose thinking over smiling.
I choose comfort over pain.

And I use to think airhead were wimpy.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


Its 6:30. 1830 hours.
My eyes are beginning to blur.
My brain refuses to focus on the computer in front of me.
I call out gibberish on the overhead speaker.
I need sleep, but I'll settle for dinner.
Tonight it looks like an appetizer of Crush Strawberry (20 oz).
Main course is Mt Dew (20 oz).
Dessert? How about Lipton Sparkling Green Tea, Berry flavor (20 oz).
Yeah I needed some caffeine.
Don't call me an addict- I hardly ever drink the stuff.
Don't question my sanity- commend my work ethic!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

sugar free

Possibly the saddest words known to child-kind. I myself find the very effort of typing them to be a painful experience (that might be due to a hangnail actually. . .). But in the spirit of going back to school, I - like so many others - am participating in the true great American past time, dieting. Sort of.
I've never really been the salad eating, rabbit faced kind of person, so limiting myself to gourmet bovine food has never really worked with me. (Yes, I could force myself, but if I wanted to throw up everything I eat I'd just become bulimic.) Instead, I endeavor to cut back, eat smaller portions, fewer times a day (I'm down to about six meals) and exercise a whole lot more. I'd rather be sore than hungry - sad but true.
In the company of Tiff and my mom, I have begun to walk in the mornings, 1.27 miles according to the pedometer I purchased, but that's including the bit where I chased after a rabbit, (one of our own dearly escaped bunnies, still sporting a collar. I know. I know, who collars rabbits?) and then home to the waiting weights, ( I bench-press about 200pd. jk. hand weights actually) Then on to my new resistance band DVD work out. Arms now feel like jello.
I know this all sounds amazing, and your all so proud of me, but be aware that the routine is not as-yet hammered out and has been not quite consistent in take off. So . . . we'll see.
So, what's sugar free? My dinner, a nice large cup of sugar free chocolate pudding.
I get my wish, I am sore, and I am full. Of sugar free pudding.

Rethinking the rabbit food,

Friday, July 17, 2009

there's no place like home. . .mom?dad?

They're finally back! The parents and the little munchkins have been gone for two weeks now. And they finally got back home last evening. I was so excited. Mom rode with Tiffany to come pick me up from work, so I gave her a big hug right in the emergency entryway. Then I got home and they had let the kids stay up just to say hi! Dakota came running out on the porch and jumped up to give me a hug, and Letha was dramatic and shrill as ever. Boy have I missed them.
I discovered something. Leaving home is easy. Letting them leave you, a lot harder.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

a mornings thoughts

I am a very organized person. I have a filing system in my head for just about everything. The way I hang clothes in my closet - 1st by type 2nd by color 3rd by how often it gets used. My books - 1st by genre, 2nd by how well I like them, 3rd by size. My papers are filed away carefully in my desk, each sorted by type, labeled, and set in its own plastic file. My shoes are organized by purpose and usefulness. In my fridge you will find bottles and jars arranged by content, height, and taste.
I'm not anal about it. Sometimes two or three pairs of shoe sit on my floor for a few days, but when I put them away, they have a place. My laundry perpetually sits for a week or more before being filed away in the dresser - 1. collared shirts 2. collared work shirts 3. nice tee shirts 4. comfortable tee shirts 5. ugly tee shirts 6. work shirts 7. pajama shirts, etc. Piles of books sit on my bed-side table, but will eventually return to the correct themed shelf, of the specific genre bookcase.
It's good to be organized, "A place for everything and everything in it's place." and all. But when you think organized sometimes it can go to far. I find myself lying in bed at night, dreaming of the future, or the past or the present. of life in a parallel universe, or life simply as a different person. I have lots of dreams. Some, that I wish fervently would come true. Some, that I dream up only to entertain myself. But lately, I find myself lying in bed, thinking of my dreams, and the more I think the more I realize that I am filing my dreams.
I have such categories as, Pipe Dreams - those things you wanted as a child or young person that will never really happen. Fake Dreams - the dreams you dream up to pretend your life isn't so boring. Realistic Dreams - the grown up, smart-money dreams. I make list of the things I dream of doing with my life, then I cross off items not on completion, but with little notes next to them such as "not a viable means of making a living" "parents would freak out" " not capable".
I dream and I shoot my own dreams down and they die in the dust at my feet. Then I pick them up and file them away.
I don't know what your suppose to do with all the dreams in your head or your heart. But I know that when you start labeling and dissecting them, they become nothing more than a corpse in a biology lab. And when you file them away, they smother and die.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Its been one of those . . .

-my Great-Aunt died yesterday
-my family left this morning at 4:30am for Oklahoma
-I forgot to go to work today and was two hours late

kind of day/week.

But . . .

-friends are coming in tonight for the weekend
-ice cream in the freezer
-whole weekend off

so things are looking up.

Wish you the best, whoever you are.